Sunday, December 7, 2014

Depression and Blessings

As many of you know, I am working my husband through school. This is necessary because the program he's in is like a 50-60 hour work week. However, he will be done soon, and it will be worth it. Taking on the job of the bread winner with a kiddo is no easy task and I'm sure you've seen in my previous posts.

The Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving last year I walked into another day at a job I thought I was pretty happy at. It was one that I could see myself finishing out Tyler's school career there while we waited for him to land a decently paying job post graduate school. I sat at my desk and opened up my email to check in on the days events. I can still see the email in my head informing me that they intended to close the current location down and relocate all to Chicago. They were planning on the last day for my position being April 1.

I was in shock and the depression hit me. Thoughts of doubt and anger flooded my mind for weeks after. 

How am I going to provide for our family if I'm getting laid off? I only have until April 1 to find a new job, I'll never be able to find one. Why is this happening? Why? WHY?!

The holidays were not fun with me. I was depressed and stuck. I didn't know a way out and I felt the walls slowly closing in on me. It took me about 2 weeks to actually start applying for jobs. Then another week before I found some blessings in all of it.

Blessing #1: My options were open to get a job where I didn't have to worry about working weekends or holidays, so I could really go where ever.

Blessing #2: I have until April 1. That was almost 5 months from the time they gave us the news. How fortunate was I to have that much time to find a new job in the middle of a lay off?

Blessing #3: An offer of my cousin watching E during the days meant that I could find a job with day hours. 

Blessing #4: This also meant that I could see my husband. 

Blessing #5: Plus it would also take some stress off of him to not have to rush home from school or miss out on important workshops post class that could help him in the long run.

After I applied to 3 jobs, I got a call back for an interview and within 3 days of the interview I was offered the job. I was offered the job with more than what I was making with my previous job, but with better hours and not too far from my cousins house so she could watch E. Plus the job was pretty sweet (and it still is). I was offered the job the Friday before Christmas which meant I could go into Christmas feeling relieved. However, then the guilt set in for me that I had robbed Emma a fun holiday because I was stressed about finding a new job. Instead of trusting in the Lord to help me find a new job, I feared. I feared what was ahead. Which I know is only human, but that's the point: 

We need to not allow our mortal selves determine our spiritual selves. 

Our spiritual selves already have the desire to follow the Lord and listen to him, but our mortal selves are like a magnet to a compass, they get in the way of our direction and detract from our ultimate destination.

At risk of sounding like Carrie Underwoods song: As with all things in life we need to make sure who is in the drivers seat of our lives. Is it our fears that are driving us? Is it our mortal desires driving us? Or is it the Lord driving us? Let's remember who ultimately handles us all in all things, whether we allow Him to drive or not. At a time that was so dark in my life, and fear and unknown set in, the Lord was still there. Just like the star that guided the wise men to the manger the night Christ was born, so the Lord did with me in my life and still continues to do so.