Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Boxing with yourself

The last few years I've struggled with guilt. Guilt about different choices I made when, now knowing the outcome, I believe I should have made a different choice. "Why didn't I do this when I should of done that?" "Why did I go left when I should have gone right?" "Why?" "Why?" "What was I THINKING?!"

Shoulda.woulda.coulda.

I've gotta admit, these thoughts were in my head almost consistently and it was like a virus that had started to eat me alive at times. It felt like each thought was a punch to myself and that my inner self was boxing with itself. I know that without those experiences and those choices I made I wouldn't be who or where I am today. However, I always wondered if my life would be better or the same without the choices I made.

I over think EVERYTHING. For example: instead of thinking about what I think of myself, I view what others think of me, including strangers, over my own opinion of myself.

WAIT, WHAT?!

I would rather have the point of view of myself from someone who does not know me, rather than the point of view I have of myself. Why do I allow this to happen?! Realizing this was like I got a straight hit to my face and gut all at the same time. However, no matter how hard I tried, I still saw myself from the perspective of others and not the amazing person I am!

This year I've made a goal to read the scriptures, at least a little, everyday. In the first 7 days, I was able to shed some of that point of view and start to see me from my point of view. I know that this happened purely because I began to feel the blessings in my life from the daily scripture study. Then came the ultimate change on day 8.

The only opinion on yourself that should matter, outside of your own, is your Heavenly Father's.

I sat there reading my scriptures and this burden was lifted off my shoulders with that thought. It felt like 50 pounds of "you must please everyone" was completely gone. It was something that I physically felt.

It's something we hear a lot in church, that you shouldn't feel like you need to "explain yourself" unless it's to Him. (Do note here that I am not in any way disregarding the place of a bishop or stake president, as their jobs are to help you develop and grow spiritually so you can repent of your sins and continue in your progression.) I don't know why it took so long for this to click though, despite all the Young Women's lessons I listened to on this. The only crowd you need to worry about fitting in with is His.

To keep perspective on this, I would recommend to take daily scripture study seriously, as well as personal prayer. The Lord can hear us, however if we aren't surrounding ourselves with the right things then how can we hear what He's trying to say to us?

Stop boxing with yourself and beating yourself up over small (or big) things that happened a long time ago. Yes you probably made some stupid choices, or choices that make you facepalm whenever you think of it, however, stop.beating.yourself.up! The past happened exactly there, in the past. So leave it there, jump that fence and get on with your life. The time now is a gift which is why it's call the present. Besides if I hadn't have made all those choices that I feel guilty about, or choose to question, I most likely wouldn't have this cute girl to the right, and who would want a life without her? Not me, that's for sure.